Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.....

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

   My stock in Memorex and Maxell is going up again. Way to go White house staff !

   I'm downtown and my prescription for my glasses just ran out...now I can't find my F#$@%^ing Car..

   Girl who pushed friend off bridge Is charged after new footage emerges. This would have been prevented if the victim had a gun.

   "If he hasn't pissed you off yet, give him some time, he will."

   Don’t be silly. Those bodies were there when I bought the place.

   I’m white, but not ‘get married in a barn’ white.

   So....what do you think of your military parade now?

   "You're never too old to learn something stupid."

   Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?

   My girlfriend says I spend far too much time on foreplay!...so I'd better pull my finger out!

   A porta potty is a pretty safe place to fart

   Scary movie called the Nun is coming out. Nun of the movie is scarier than the previous movie The Priest

   You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...

   If you have a problem with me, call me and we'll talk about it. If you don't have my number then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   I answered that Ancestry.com ad and asked for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over. FML.

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?

   The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.