Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…

   Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.

   Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.

   I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.

   That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.

   Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.

   Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.

   Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was one of the band members of ZZ Top.

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.

   A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.