Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Part Of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "don't listen to that guy... He's drunk."

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"

   Space ISIS is coming after us!

   Trick your friends into thinking you are a professional tennis player By wiping your face with a towel every 30 seconds And throwing it at a child.

   Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card? I really need some bits for my kids Go-kart that's all?

   Bet if donnie knew how to use the record feature on his phone. He would be recording too.

   Why not have a child run for governor in Vermont. There's one in the white house.

   The worse name that trump has ever given to someone is Don jr.

   If you could do a do over, would you?

   eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it

   Truth isn't truth? Okay then, I guess food isn't good as well. Stupid senile old man.

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.

   Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.

   To the Pope. Just let priests get married so they won't have to be gay with little boys!

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   You know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.

   What do I remember about the midget that attacked me. Very little.

   Imagine having an IQ low enough to enjoy watching love island.

   If you fart and it doesn't stink, should you be concern?

   Dear men, Life without women...... Would literally be a pain in the a$$!