Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

   My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

   I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

   For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

   The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

   I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

   Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

   The Left released Trump’s tax returns, and nobody cares.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   When your friend is getting beat up by banditos, but you remember his welcome refugees post.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.