Funny Status Messages

   I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

   Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.

   You know a woman is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?

   Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.

   Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the caledar says WTF.

   Anyone remember when it was normal for kids to go outside & be gone all day, but parents wouldn’t know where you were, just that you better be home when it is dark?

   If you missed the 3 seasons of McCain's funeral you can now watch it on Netflix.

   I hate spelling errors. . You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

   I'm going ghost hunting. If you don't hear from me again... Try contacting me through EVP.

   Ain't it funny how the night moves When you just don't seem to have as much to lose Strange how the night moves With autumn closing in....

   It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...

   You know she is single AF when all she posts is selfies.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   I'm an artistic representation of beautiful intentions and horrible decisions.

   If you get a full 8 hours of sleep do you die?

   I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.

   ‪Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person, but what you do with the booger will define you. ‬

   My bucket list..... 1. Bucket 2. Ice 3. 6pk beer.