Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.

   A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."

   Everytime I see KellyAnn Conway's face, I always vomit!

   Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.

   Trump is the best thing to ever happen to US comedians.

   Plaid shirt guy for 2020!

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   "54 days till Halloween Halloween Halloween, 54 days till Halloween Sliver Shamrock." Ba ha ha boo.

   If the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long. When does the bus driver get any sleep?

   Serena Williams said she'd rather lose than cheat while her coach admitted to cheating....

   So I booed you at your own wedding, can’t we just let bygones be bygones?

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.