Funny Status Messages

   BOSS: I don't consider myself wastefull *** BOSS 5 minutes later: prints a 137 page report because he needs the last two pages

   I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.

   I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.

   Are conjoined twin girls joined at the hip called hipsters?

   It's not the fall off a tall building that kills you. It's the sudden stop.

   Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.

   FISA documents being released. I suspect tissue sales are about to go up.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.

   Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.