Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 723 of 6446

A guy at Target wearing a Dallas Cowboys hat and a MAGA t-shirt was buying a 65 inch TV so I said “Man, you’re really gonna be able to see the players kneeling on that thing.”
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09-10-2018 15:08
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new band idea: nippleback
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09-10-2018 14:54
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I burped & now I'm hungry. Along the same lines, I wonder if a big fart right now would make me horny.
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09-10-2018 14:45
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When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.
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09-10-2018 11:52 by Stevielea
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Since 1/20/17 I feel like I'm in the 1988 movie "The Live" and I'm one of the few people with a pair of the sunglasses.
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09-10-2018 08:18
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Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.
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09-10-2018 07:01
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Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…
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09-10-2018 07:00
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Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.
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09-10-2018 06:59
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Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.
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09-10-2018 06:57
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I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.
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09-10-2018 06:55
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Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.
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09-10-2018 06:54
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it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.
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09-10-2018 06:53
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As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.
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09-10-2018 06:53
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The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
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09-10-2018 06:52
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I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.
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09-10-2018 06:52
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That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.
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09-10-2018 06:51
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Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
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09-10-2018 06:51
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Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.
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09-10-2018 06:51
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Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was one of the band members of ZZ Top.
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09-10-2018 06:51
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Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
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09-10-2018 06:50
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