Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I just masturbated without crying afterwards. Who's emotionally unstable now, SUSAN??

   Have you ever noticed that the crazies around h3re really suck at spelling and grammar?

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   The first thing I do when I answer the phone is hang up.

   The sexual tension between me and this woman is so high that she's using codes like 'can I take your order?'

   The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

   another olympics, another stern letter to Australians reminding them kangaroos aren't athletes.

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   The global gender ratio is 60:40. So there are millions of women who cant find a man. Remember that next time we ask you to make a sandwich.

   What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

   I lose all arguments with my wife because the last time I won I didn't get laid for weeks

   Upon entering a room I announce "what smells in here?" just in case I fart later. That way I'm covered.

   Do you guys realize how hard it is to masturbate while holding binoculars?

   Just gave my girlfriend my two week notice.

   I'd never slip a roofie in your drink, that's a Mentos.

   So my old company keeps trying to get me to come back. They must have some new high tech layoff system they want to test.