Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chicken Pot Pie: my 3 favorite things.

   Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.

   Altzheimer's Centre prepares for a party to remember!

   The only good thing about inflation. It allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without having to move.

   There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.

   "Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 77 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

   I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.

   My wife and I have doggie style sex. I sit up and beg for it. And she rolls over and plays dead.

   I'm far from distancing my self from anything.

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   BOSS: I don't consider myself wastefull *** BOSS 5 minutes later: prints a 137 page report because he needs the last two pages

   I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.

   I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.

   Are conjoined twin girls joined at the hip called hipsters?