Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there are two words in life that will open many doors for you: pull and push.

   I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice get too thick.

   Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart

   If you receive a Friend Request from Hormel Foods, don't accept it. It might be Spam.

   Time heals all wounds, so if your uninsured, get a watch!

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   If I am ever investigated by the F.B.I. , I hope my investigation last as long as the Kavanaugh investigation lasted.

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?

   I didn't get the president's alert test tex, but I did get a tex, two big macs, fish filet, large fry, large diet coke.

   So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.

   Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.

   Straight guy definitely understand consent when a gay guy tries to touch him.

   I've never had a DUI. Bet you can't steal this status lmao

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.