Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 719 of 6382
My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.
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04-30-2018 15:31
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Whenever my wife wants me to do something, she casually mentions it needs to be done like 49 times, hoping I will pick up the hints. Has not worked so far.
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04-30-2018 15:29
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Personal care products for men: This bottle contains body gel, shampoo, conditioner and moisterizer. For women: This bottle contains treatment for your left knee. For right knee products, check Aisle 7.
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04-30-2018 15:17
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I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
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04-30-2018 13:48 by JohnY
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My bank account is a pit stop where money comes to hold its breath before proceeding to where it was destined for.
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04-30-2018 13:02
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Don’t let this distract you from the fact The Avengers blew a 5-1 stone lead in the Infinity Wars.
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04-30-2018 12:59
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Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools
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04-30-2018 12:58
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Carrot top gave the greatest performance the White House correspondents' dinner has ever seen. Greatest ever!
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04-30-2018 12:54
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This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills
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04-30-2018 11:22
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That will be the last time they let Carrot Top speak at the White House correspondents' dinner.....
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04-30-2018 11:04
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Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
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04-30-2018 10:01 by Rupert
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If things are slippery when wet, then why is it so hard to get socks on my wet feet?
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04-30-2018 09:18
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Trump: Once stated in a speech "If you are innocent, why would you take the 5th amendnent." So he must think his lawyer Cohen is guilty.
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04-30-2018 05:15 by HaHa
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I have yet to see a clear toaster so that I can see how well my toast has been toasted... you have seen one???
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04-30-2018 04:42
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Kim Jong Un took a port a potty with him on his trip to Soth Korea because he was afraid foreign spies may want to steal his poop.
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04-30-2018 04:29
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Ever since I was a kid I’ve had a fear of being scared.
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04-30-2018 00:57
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Laugh now, but one day you will be so mad when another car cuts you off and you shake your fist out the window at some robot driver
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04-29-2018 20:33 by markf
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There are GOOD COPS and BAD COPS. It is time for more people to shout out the BAD cops and thank the GOOD cops.
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04-29-2018 20:28
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I think Melania deserves a 130,000 dollar shopping spree for her birthday.
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04-29-2018 20:19
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It looks like T-Mobile and Sprint are getting married. And to prove that things won't change, there will be no reception.
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04-29-2018 18:55 by JeffWhite
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