Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ... Not all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time." Some start with "If I am elected president."

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.

   I made my wife a Caesar salad last night! The dog was really pissed off though as it was his last tin!

   using Just For Men on your mother in laws mustache at night wrong ? Asking for a friend ..

   Whenever they show the crowd at Yankees stadium...every Yankees fan looks like an out of shape Paulie Malignaggi.

   Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion.

   Before I was born, I was given a choice between a big di*k, or a good memory. I don't remember what one I chose.

   My company has trouble thinking outside the box. We can't agree on the size of the box, the color of the box, whether it is wood or cardboard, a suitable box vendor or how much to budget.

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   DT once said we would get "tired of winning." Well he was half right..... we are tired.

   Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.

   I've been busy today and may of missed it. What was DT's dumb statement of the day, today?

   The best part of this Presidential Alert is... Hillary got one too!!

   You say, "Not my President" but I bet your phone went off.

   I would love to incite a fight after a UB40 concert.

   Whenever I'm walking down the street and see a car stopped at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park here."

   Sex is like a bowling ball, if your not using all three fingers, you're just cheating your game.

   The only Blue Wave anyone is going to see this year is the one that hit the Carolina coast a few weeks ago.

   Dictionary the only place where divorce comes before marriage.