Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.

   “Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs

   him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how

   this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   Drink beer while you can still afford it.

   What's trump's favorite cereal? Cheeri O's, the cereal made for little hands.

   Q: What do "Deadliest Catch" and "Jersey Shore" have in common? A: They're two reality TV shows about catching crabs.

   instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   First rule of Fight Club: Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!