Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3 Except #631

   spending Thanksgiving day with your obnoxious relatives something to be thankful for?

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   I can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp. That is why I'm taking no chance and bringing my ID to the grocery store with me.

   We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

   You've a Land Rover, a Land cruiser but still have a Land Lord. Sister your weed is too much

   You don't really wash your hands, they actually wash each other while you are there standing

   If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.

   My MIL would invite her self to have dinner with my husband and me. Tired of this, one time after dinner I put the dishies on the floor and let the dog lick them clean in front of her. Then put them back into the cabinet. We now have MIL free dinners.

   . Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?

   Ever been so drunk you ate a frozen burrito?

   Are self driving cars the brothel of the future?

   In Florida we get "I'm still voting" stickers.

   How do you tell someone you love them without them making it weird that you're under their bed

   If people would just give ugly people a chance and date them too, catfishing wouldn't be a thing.

   Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.