Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm very happy that I'm not a vegan, that would have been a big miss steak

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   It’s so funny to wake up each day and see ppl in their 20s, 30s,40s, acting like two year olds. Go back to your safe place because there’s 6 more years to go

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   There's a further south than South America?

   What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"

   Start each day with a smile and get it over with.

   Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you

   Please don't give me any of your attitude. I already have plenty of my own.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.