Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you

   Please don't give me any of your attitude. I already have plenty of my own.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   When the police shut down the town brothel. There was a sign that read, beat it, this brothel is closed.

   Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.

   Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright untill you hear them speak.

   Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.

   So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

   People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

   I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

   my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.

   They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts

   If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.