Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 707 of 6382
USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?
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05-22-2018 11:36
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How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
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05-22-2018 10:45
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Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"
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05-22-2018 07:59
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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.
Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.
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05-22-2018 07:50
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Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?
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05-21-2018 23:30
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A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
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05-21-2018 17:43
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Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.
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05-21-2018 15:15
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Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…
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05-21-2018 14:36
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If your kid graduates high school you were smart and voted for Trump.
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05-21-2018 09:04 by Degree101
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Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.
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05-21-2018 07:43
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I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
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05-21-2018 07:39
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I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
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05-20-2018 23:09
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I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
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05-20-2018 21:34
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Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.
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05-20-2018 21:33 by markf
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It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
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05-20-2018 17:01
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Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
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05-20-2018 13:01
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Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
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05-20-2018 12:59
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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
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05-20-2018 12:50
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