Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bakers, your technical challenge for today will be the classic American style marijuana brownie. Paul would like for you to each bake 96 dozen and they must look good!

   There are four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus

   2011 - "50 Shades of Gray" sells 125 million copies. 2018 - "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is offensive.

   Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

   Just for the record: If your single and planning on asking me out this close to Christmas the only thing you'll be getting from me is a book, which will be do back at the libary just after the new years.

   "Wow, this robo-call is really interesting. I'm going to listen to the whole thing!" said no one ever.

   I went to my girlfriend’s funeral today..and met her parents for the first time! What a pair of miserable folks!

   Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.

   I had fifty bucks tattooed on my "member". So the next time my wife wants to go out and blow fifty bucks, she can stay home and do it.

   I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel .

   In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!!

   A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

   wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: I'm gonna try to become left handed

   Successfully "lands" a water bottle flip 3 out of 5 attempts. 0-998 in making his socks to the dirty clothes basket.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Madonna would adopt me!

   Do people still say Okie Dokie or is it just me?? 🤔🤔🤔

   The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.

   Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.

   I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.

   5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano.