Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   PSA: It is possible to vote then not post about it.

   . If rocks are to be considered as rifels. Does that mean rock beats paper?

   . Will space aliens be ask to pay for space force?

   Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."

   Will I be able to enjoy A Star is Born if I haven't seen the other Bourne movies?

   Daylight savings is great because we gain an hour of trying to figure out what time it is.

   I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.

   "Wisdom doesn't come from age, wisdom comes from the things that you srewed up in your life."

   "The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."

   Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

   If you're born in November, your parents probablity had a fun Valentine's day.

   Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.