Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   Guys the secret to a happy marriage...... "Honey, you're absolutely right."

   Untill I got married, I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back into the fridge.

   . just like Ty-D-Bol, the blue wave will wash all the crap away.

   I told someone that Kansas was dead to me. His reply was 'did it drop another house on your sister'?

   I went to Disneyland once. It seemed like kind of a Mickey Mouse operation.

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   I misunderstood the nighborhood MILF when she told me she was heading to the polls. I didn't see her grinding at the strip club.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   PSA: It is possible to vote then not post about it.

   . If rocks are to be considered as rifels. Does that mean rock beats paper?

   . Will space aliens be ask to pay for space force?

   Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."

   Will I be able to enjoy A Star is Born if I haven't seen the other Bourne movies?

   Daylight savings is great because we gain an hour of trying to figure out what time it is.

   I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.