Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   if you like christmas so much why don't you merry it

   If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!

   Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a Mohawk!

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.

   So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   Every time I play NBA2k, I’m deeply offended there are no short players with minimal basketball skills. How could I not be represented in a game that has nothing to do with my life?

   The difference between curry and a candle. A candle only burns at one end.

   asked Alexa "why is my wife such a b!@#$" & Alexa replied "id rather not answer" ...these computers really are smart

   Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. My 4 y/o: I don't have any other feet.

   I’m Southern, but not monogram my vibrator, Southern.

   Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.

   1f y0u c4n r34d 7H15 7h3n c0n6r47ul4710n5! Y0u h4v3 D3pr35510n

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.