Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   Growing up, all I wanted was Girls Gone Wild. As an adult, I ended up with Bills Gone Wild

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.

   Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   In the future Frosty the puddle, will take the place of Frosty the snowman,

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

   I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.

   I'll never understand those baby on board signs? Like thanks for letting me know as I was just about to purposely ram my car into yours for absolutely no apparent reason until I saw your sign!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.