Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you tell someone you love them without them making it weird that you're under their bed

   If people would just give ugly people a chance and date them too, catfishing wouldn't be a thing.

   Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.

   And remember kids...it's on Facebook so it must be true!

   I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.

   I'm working hard to become free... I'm over half way through my Halloween candy already.

   When my wife is angry with me, she'll not only stops talking to me, she'll also send me blank tex messages.

   . Fun fact Smokey the bear's original name was Hotfoot Teddy.

   In a world where you can do anything, do it over there.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   If one despises losers, and one is a loser. Does that loser despise them self ?

   Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.