BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you!

   Irony: People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   When I have money, I have nothing to buy. When I don't have money, I want everything.

   Dear Jesus, I can afford wine. How about you start turning water into gas?

   Some kids think they are so smart when they get behind a computer... Bi$ch, I have email accounts older than you.

   I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.

   According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.

   To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

   Sometimes, I feel like my life should be documented for future generations.

   Process of liking a song: 1 Day: I love this song! 1 Week: Hey that song's good. 1 Month: Turn that s$it off! 1 Year: OMG, I love this song!

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who's my bi$ch? You are.

   If someone doesn't appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.

   I don't know if my stomach is growling cuz I'm hungry or if that's my liver crying cuz it's the weekend.

   Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?

   Women are designed for two things: making babies and making sandwiches, and they need help with the first one.

   If you fear rejection, get a job trying to hand out free samples at the mall food court, problem solved!

   I come up with all my best ideas when I'm drunk.