Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

   synchronized noseblowing

   At what age should you put the tonsils back in

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Elon Musk didn’t buy a social media platform, he bought a crime scene and all the evidence.

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT -My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

   We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

   I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells. I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

   Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

   The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

   Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

   people who do mutinies should be called mutants