totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   I plan on rivaling the military with my own explosive version of "shock and awe" this evening!

   firing bottle rockets at blue hairs wearing 4th of July Snuggie's!

   trying to figure out how many Sham-Wows I'm gonna need to soak up all the water in my truck after leaving the window down for 2 days...

   was glad to see it was "peter tweeter" Anthony Weiner's last day in office but I was a bit dismayed when I heard that Gary Busey was slotted as his interim replacement.

   Looks like Hugh Hefner's fiance finally got her cataracts removed and called off the wedding realizing she'd have to wake up everyday next to a dude that looks worse than the dead guy on "A Weekend at Bernie's"

   had a DNA paternity test done on my dogs new puppies....Turns out they all belong to Arnold Schwarzenegger. ツ

   I would rather soak my berry's in maple syrup and sit on an ant hill than diddle Arnold Swartzenegger's baby momma!

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   I just started an online dating site for Siamese twins....It's called "Connect 4!"

   may not be a millionaire yet but I figure what I have in my pocket combined with 3 vehicles full of gas puts me pretty damned close...

   Now that Bin Laden is polluting the Arabian Sea, I hear the sharks have declared "Jihad!"

   I didn't watch the royal wedding but I had a disturbing dream that Queen Elizabeth and Queen Latifah did a "chest bump" during the nuptuals! :/

   I just had my most disturbing nighmare ever....I was gagged, tied and forced to watch "The View!"

   I heard they found the deadly Egyptian cobra that was missing from the Bronx Zoo.....It was in Lindsay Lohan's purse!

   noticed the Weather Channel has a new show hosted by a dude named Peter Lik....How old do you have to be for that NOT to be funny because I evidently haven't reached it yet.

   just got kicked out of JG Wentworth for marching in and demanding my money NOW!

   thinks facebook should be responsible for funding all these foreign wars it keeps getting us into.....Pay up, Zuckerburg!!!

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   it just me or does Pink's new hair do make her look like Mo Howard?

   thinks his GPS has dyslexia....I typed in "Macy's" and it took me to the YMCA!