huck Funny Status Messages

   Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

   Couples Advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake for weeks, slowly going insane as your body and mind collapse in on themselves.

   My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting drunk.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

   Amnesia sounds so relaxing.

   I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.

   Saw a guy wearing a backwards, upside down visor. I assume he DOESN'T want to block sun but DOES want to collect rain.

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”

   FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

   The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do a dramatic removal

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”

   Roses are red Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellow I bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just plain old gardening facts.

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.

   How to avoid getting the short end of the stick? Just stop sharing sticks! There are enough sticks out there that you can have your own.

   Really, Fresh Prince's mother? One little fight and you ship him across the continent? You won't get a "#1 Mom" mug from me, I assure you.