Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   Laziness walks in my family

   "We find the defendant....right there, in the chair next to the defense attorney" "Good work jury, now its your turn to hide"

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   Thesaurus .cōm is down which is inconvenient and also inconvenient.

   I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some nerd at the park.

   Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

   I feel like every episode of Cops was filmed in June of 1993.

   if I had a kid that was a Belieber I'd lock them in a room with the White Album playing until they snapped out of it

   God put a woman in the bible and she ruined the whole book in the first chapter

   Roll up to Uhaul store, roll down all the windows, blast "I Like to Move It" until they call the police

   internet ad: "are you tired of jerking off?" no

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.

   How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?

   When they say "all expenses paid," does that include bail?

   My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.