Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   Unless you got cloned on new year's eve, please don't write: " new year, new me." It's not gonna end well.

   how do you even tell your girlfriend you want armpit sex? “babe, there’s this thing, wait, hold on your arm, stop asking what I’m doing”

   My love life is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.

   Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?

   No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.

   Snoring is just God's way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.

   I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.

   Apple CEO just came out today. I guess this explains why iPhone 6 bends.

   I can't get the cork off my dinner.

   Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald's they'll think you're sharing all that food with another person.

   She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.

   Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.

   When you're truly beautiful you don't need to remind people in every other selfie caption.

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   “Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN