Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   Ladies hide your shelter from homeless men it’s officially fall season

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   Do you like real mashed potatoes or the flakes out of the box?

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

   How come no one posts pictures of their kids on the first day of summer school?

   How come kindness was never an option in Clue

   EVER HAVE TO POOP SO BAD, YOU PEE SECOND ?

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   The universe noticed a big pile of used, dirty rags in its laundry room. Instead of washing them, it put them on social media as narcissistic women.

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   A lot of women complain that their husband never listens. I'm very proud to say, I've never heard my wife say that.

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

   Roast beef curtains

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.