Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.
←Rate | 09-09-2024 05:47 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.
←Rate | 09-08-2024 18:28 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
←Rate | 09-08-2024 09:19 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies hide your shelter from homeless men it’s officially fall season
←Rate | 09-08-2024 07:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!
←Rate | 09-07-2024 07:40 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.
←Rate | 09-06-2024 08:37 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you like real mashed potatoes or the flakes out of the box?
←Rate | 09-05-2024 21:22 by Spud Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.
←Rate | 09-05-2024 10:01 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon How come no one posts pictures of their kids on the first day of summer school?
←Rate | 09-04-2024 21:24 by BBB Comments (0)  


   messageicon How come kindness was never an option in Clue
←Rate | 09-04-2024 11:55 by Darkharbinger Comments (0)  


   messageicon EVER HAVE TO POOP SO BAD, YOU PEE SECOND ?
←Rate | 09-03-2024 17:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.
←Rate | 09-03-2024 05:39 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon The universe noticed a big pile of used, dirty rags in its laundry room. Instead of washing them, it put them on social media as narcissistic women.
←Rate | 09-02-2024 07:11 by WhoCares Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.
←Rate | 09-01-2024 05:39 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon A lot of women complain that their husband never listens. I'm very proud to say, I've never heard my wife say that.
←Rate | 08-31-2024 17:41 by ChazB Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.
←Rate | 08-31-2024 06:36 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.
←Rate | 08-30-2024 06:33 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.
←Rate | 08-29-2024 08:34 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Roast beef curtains
←Rate | 08-28-2024 21:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.
←Rate | 08-28-2024 08:37 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  




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