Funny Status Messages

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   . Two little boys Tyrone and Leroy who are friends are arguing on the play ground. Tyrone said my daddy can beat up your daddy. Leroy said no he can't, your daddy is my daddy too.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.

   OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!

   Never eat a cucumber out of a single girl's refrigerator. That's all.

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   I've started visiting orgies dressed as a Ninja-Turtle! I'm really coming out of my shell these days!

   So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3 Except #631

   spending Thanksgiving day with your obnoxious relatives something to be thankful for?

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   I can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp. That is why I'm taking no chance and bringing my ID to the grocery store with me.

   We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

   You've a Land Rover, a Land cruiser but still have a Land Lord. Sister your weed is too much

   You don't really wash your hands, they actually wash each other while you are there standing

   If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.

   My MIL would invite her self to have dinner with my husband and me. Tired of this, one time after dinner I put the dishies on the floor and let the dog lick them clean in front of her. Then put them back into the cabinet. We now have MIL free dinners.