Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: I'm gonna try to become left handed

   Successfully "lands" a water bottle flip 3 out of 5 attempts. 0-998 in making his socks to the dirty clothes basket.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Madonna would adopt me!

   Do people still say Okie Dokie or is it just me?? 🤔🤔🤔

   The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.

   Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.

   I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.

   5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

   You buy ready made chocolate milk? Well, aren't you just some kind of titan of finance?

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   I'm throwing in the white flag, I can't take anymore of this "winning".

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...

   If I was a spy, my perfect code name would be "Individual 1".

   Turns out the Canary Islands doesn't have any canaries. Just like the Virgin Islands doesn't have any.

   Why is there a permanent setting on my iron ?

   forget about the past you cant change it,forget about the future you cant predict it,forget about the present your not getting one

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?