Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got my ancestry DNA results back. It seems I related to Adam and Eve.

   Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.

   Ladies, your man can’t complain about your excessive shopping habit if he has your tit in his mouth.

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   "If you are under investigation by the FBI. you should not be president -Donald Trump 7/14/16

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do

   I don't care about the shutdown affecting the parks and monuments. But I draw the line when it effect my beer.

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.

   I still don't know why Microsoft put a talking paper clip in Microsoft Office instead of a talking ink pen they could call your "pen pal"

   Forget the wall Trump wants us to pay for. WTF is he doing about Nickleback?

   Euthanasia is OK, but most people can live without it.

   A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”

   A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.

   How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?

   I started a support group for men with erectile dysfuntion. It was a flop and nobody came.

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..