Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm not stalking you…I got your address off the envelope sitting on your coffee table in the background of your Instagram photo.

   Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you'll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.

   White = psycho. Black = thug. Arab = terrorist. Humans = idiots.

   I get very competitive at all you can eat buffets.

   No we are not on different wavelengths. Don't blame physics when you're stupid.

   My boss just called me an a$$hole and said I never listen. I have no idea why, I made his coffee with two teaspoons of salt like he asked.

   I can't believe you're mad that I put a baby in you while you were sleeping. You obviously don't appreciate the degree of difficulty.

   Why are all the best stress relievers illegal? A little bit of murder would work wonders right now.

   There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.

   My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.

   Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out

   When I go to a restaurant alone, I always ask for separate checks.

   A stranger accidentally touched my arm today and now I have to get drunk to forget about it.

   Weirdos seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some idiot telling me their life story.

   Failing a suicide attempt makes you a failure at both life and death.

   Save it for someone who's sober and cares.

   It's embarrassing when the people at work complain about me farting in my sleep.

   Difference between a cult and a religion: In a cult the guy at the top knows it's a scam; in a religion that guy's dead.

   BREAKING: Sarah Jessica Parker has posed nude for Playboy - Millions of erections are feared dead.

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally