Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.

   Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't

   You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Youve just crossed into Facebook!

   I think for Christmas Mark Zuckerberg should share some of his wealth with us all we helped him make, or at least give us fonts.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   What’s your favorite Nickelback song? Don’t even pretend you don’t have one or that you hate them.

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   Pictures of missing rich kids should go on the back of skimmed-milk!

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.

   Looking back on all the crap I learned in school.... I’d say cursive writing is probably the least used skill ever taught.

   Not every friend request as a friend request some are just a surveillance camera

   This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   if you like christmas so much why don't you merry it

   If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!

   Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a Mohawk!

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.