Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 689 of 6382
I’ve just realized I’ve come to a point in my new life . That I’m extremely happy that my favorite neighbor is that cat that lives three floors down!
I want a girl who can drink as many beers as me & who orders a burger & fries for dinner, not salad. Also men: She can't be fat, tho.
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07-05-2018 23:33 by Jergim
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" You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."
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07-05-2018 23:26
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I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.
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07-05-2018 21:57
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Boycott Walmart: I’m starting to think that Make America Great Again is not cut out for capitalism.
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07-05-2018 21:55
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Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.
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07-05-2018 21:53
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The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow.
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07-05-2018 21:52
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Scott Pruitt has quit as head of the EPA to pursue his true passion - buying lotions and used mattresses from various hotels.
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07-05-2018 21:50
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Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.
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07-05-2018 21:49
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James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.
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07-05-2018 21:48
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When preparing cereal, why not throw on some limes’s and pickles for that rich fruit and pickely flavor burst.
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07-05-2018 13:01
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Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..
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07-05-2018 12:48
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Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.
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07-05-2018 10:40
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My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.
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07-05-2018 07:58
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I like that you hate me a little. It shows respect.
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07-05-2018 02:33
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Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?
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07-05-2018 02:29
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Everyone's a submissive if you squeeze their throat hard enough.
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07-05-2018 02:21
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I ONLY beg in the bedroom.
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07-05-2018 02:17
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I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.
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07-05-2018 02:16
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Always plan ahead...... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
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07-05-2018 01:55 by Jake
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