Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.

   To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?

   The worlds greatest marionette is Putin. He has Trump as a puppet and I can’t even see the strings.

   Trump being re-elected is as likely as Ken and Barbie doing the wild thing.

   Got my ancestry DNA results back. It seems I related to Adam and Eve.

   Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.

   Ladies, your man can’t complain about your excessive shopping habit if he has your tit in his mouth.

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   "If you are under investigation by the FBI. you should not be president -Donald Trump 7/14/16

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do

   I don't care about the shutdown affecting the parks and monuments. But I draw the line when it effect my beer.

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.

   I still don't know why Microsoft put a talking paper clip in Microsoft Office instead of a talking ink pen they could call your "pen pal"

   Forget the wall Trump wants us to pay for. WTF is he doing about Nickleback?

   Euthanasia is OK, but most people can live without it.

   A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”

   A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.