Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I need to start saving all my ideas for statuses in a Word Document titled "Read This at My Wake" cuz I would just lay there in my coffin and laugh as everyone got up and walked out.

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.

   For you non-believers, the Bible is actually 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.

   I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."

   Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.

   Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   "I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"

   I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" line.

   I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.

   Fun thing to do. Location: Shopping Mall. Items needed: Old Atari Controller and a friend as cool as you are. Stick the cord down the back of your friends pants and pretend to steer him/her around the mall with the joystick. DO IT!!!