Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Biden aides find second batch of classified documents at new location, my goodness.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   Anti-social behavior is a sign of intelligence in a world full of conformists.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Pete Buttigieg couldn't run a go cart track, at Buster Green's Fun Park and Bait Shop.

   Airport

   TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip? FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

   Wolf meat was on sale at the exotic food store. So I bought a pack.

   85% of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   I miss the days when getting tested meant you were sleeping around.

   Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

   Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.

   I bought my dog a cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.