Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These teams were playing like they know whoever wins goes to the white house

   Maroon 5 : Patriots 3 :Rams 0

   I notice that mitch mcconnell sounds like James Cagney when he played a gangster in the movies ?

   Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough, that's why we have two hands.

   I'm sorry I cited the five second rule when I dropped your baby

   There are people who've been through hell and are trying to entertain you ungrateful urinary tract infections for free. Be kind.

   I had 5 minutes to spare this morning so I figured women out.

   I don’t even care who wins this Maroon 5 concert

   Just accidentally took a drink out of someone else’s glass, tell my mom I loved her

   DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman. Everyone knows that.

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire...

   I'll be taking a knee at my Superbowl party in protest of white supremacy and police brutality.

   Today is a sad day. The man who invented autocorrect pissed away in his sleep last night.

   Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.

   I'm back when penny candy was a penny years old.

   I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....

   I survived the polar vortex like some kind of post apocalyptic warrior.

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   I cant make it into work because I overslept because I didn't set my alarm because I knew I would like going to work.

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.