Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 674 of 6446

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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02-08-2019 12:48
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They shouldn't have named it a baggage carousel if they didn't want me to ride it.
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02-08-2019 10:36
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You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window
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02-08-2019 10:34
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"Can I get a coke please?" "Nope is pepsi ok" "Do you do updog?" "What's updog?" " Not much...and no pepsi is not ok".
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02-08-2019 10:19 by Stevielea
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I would rather trust a billionaire who becomes a politician than a politician who becomes a billionaire.
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02-08-2019 07:43
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With his short term memory he may not remember colluding with putin
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02-08-2019 07:36
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We need to start thinking about the world we'll leave behind for Betty White when we're all gone.
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02-08-2019 07:00
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Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.
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02-08-2019 06:55
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Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.
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02-08-2019 06:53
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Anyone not doing anything except looking at Facebook, or not doing anything because you're looking at Facebook, want to hang out?
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02-08-2019 00:14 by Moon
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Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.
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02-07-2019 20:20
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People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
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02-07-2019 19:49
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Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money
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02-07-2019 17:07
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Everytime I lose a sock I gain a Tupperware lid.
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02-07-2019 15:02
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Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...
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02-07-2019 11:52
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Chloroform is my favorite essential oil.
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02-07-2019 05:28
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After owning my phone for almost a year I finally figured out how to make the fonts bigger, which will make walking easier.
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02-06-2019 21:54 by Moon
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What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?
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02-06-2019 13:12
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Calling for compromise, but only if it's on your own terms. How is that compromise?
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02-06-2019 10:53
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For a ski team, these guys in the 7-11 sure have a lot of guns!
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02-05-2019 19:16 by Truman
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