Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 674 of 6447

It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.

All this beer drinking I do gives me a hangover. It's really noticeable when I stand sideways.
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02-10-2019 13:44 by Joker
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There’s good sex, then there’s no-hole-left-untouched sex.

Don't worry. My bedroom cameras are for research purposes only.

People should be tested for emissions. They’re exhausting.

[watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.
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02-10-2019 05:40
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I'd love to hang out with you, but this nap isn't going to take itself.
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02-10-2019 05:38
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Interviewer: This says you tend to jump to conclusions Me: So I'm hired?
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02-10-2019 05:33
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This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.

Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"
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02-10-2019 05:22
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I ended things because of how bad she was in bed, the sex was great but her napping skills were terrible.
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02-10-2019 05:21
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I miss having a grown up for a president.
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02-10-2019 03:25
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Baby Lives Matter!
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02-09-2019 23:02
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Daffy donald maked another gaffe. He cheers the faithful for "abolition of civil rights." Or did he ?
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02-09-2019 22:35
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Met a lady yesterday...It was love at first sight...Then I took a second look !!
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02-09-2019 17:36 by DaBull
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I ran into my ex the other day...hit reverse...and ran into her again.
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02-09-2019 17:31 by DaBull
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People on the Left are like an old TV Set. They have to be slapped occasionally to get the picture.
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02-09-2019 17:27
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The Early Bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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02-09-2019 16:51
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If you are paying $3.00 for Smart Water, it isn't working.
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02-08-2019 21:30
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That moment, when your jerk boss says they are resigning. !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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02-08-2019 20:19
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