Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A porta potty is a pretty safe place to fart

   Scary movie called the Nun is coming out. Nun of the movie is scarier than the previous movie The Priest

   You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...

   If you have a problem with me, call me and we'll talk about it. If you don't have my number then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   I answered that Ancestry.com ad and asked for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over. FML.

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?

   The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.

   Fox news: oops, "well after all they all do look a like."

   " Thanks to the white house staff. I now know what cause my Meorex stock to go up."

   Did you know that 6 out of the 7 dwarves were not happy?

   I bought a camo shirt the other day and now I can't find the damn thing...

   " I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."

   It takes raw talent to make sushi.

   The diference between inlaws and outlaws...... Outlaws are wanted.

   The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   If you ordered the worlds largest box from Amazon what would they ship it in?

   Forty years ago I asked this beautiful woman to marry me . . . She responded with, "GET LOST, CARL! YOU CREEP ME OUT!"

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?