Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The reason Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup are so popular is because they are the same basic ingredients as Pizza.

   What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.

   Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes

   I'd rather stay home and be bored out of my mind than interact with people

   I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps

   Months of outrage about school shootings but when ISIS compound is discovered training kids to do more of them,no one cared.

   Cancer isn't cancer.

   "what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)

   Part Of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "don't listen to that guy... He's drunk."

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"

   Space ISIS is coming after us!

   Trick your friends into thinking you are a professional tennis player By wiping your face with a towel every 30 seconds And throwing it at a child.

   Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card? I really need some bits for my kids Go-kart that's all?

   Bet if donnie knew how to use the record feature on his phone. He would be recording too.

   Why not have a child run for governor in Vermont. There's one in the white house.

   The worse name that trump has ever given to someone is Don jr.

   If you could do a do over, would you?

   eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it

   Truth isn't truth? Okay then, I guess food isn't good as well. Stupid senile old man.

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.