Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   I went on a cycling holiday last year, and it was exhausting! If I do it again I think I'm going for a smaller caravan!

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...

   Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.

   I don't want to brag, but I have the dietary habits of a much younger man.

   Shout out to all my friends who never post, like or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you silent friend's could do me one little favor and like just this one status so I'll know your still out there breathing and actually give a damn wha

   My kids can worship Satan all they want as long as they don’t listen to nickelback

   My weight doubles my SAT score.

   I see the mother in law's put up a new profile pic! It's got 23 yikes already!

   My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her the glue stick by mistake. She's still not talking to me...

   Lets be honest and Like this status if your like me and play with the words you post like a can of Campbell's alphabet soup.

   It's hard to be a straight guy these days. I'm all for equal pay and treatment for women but I also love titties...

   I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He asked “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Homer is a fat bald man and Marge has blue hair.”

   Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

   Raise the age to buy guns? What this country really needs to do is raise the age of puberty.

   A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."