Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 666 of 6446

If confidence is shamelessly wearing your pyjamas in public at the grocery store, then yes, I am confident.

I have severe attachment issues. I struggle with attaching my keys to my key chain.

Demi Moore is French for half a Moore.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and the box of chocolate chip cookies preferably within arm's reach.

I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.
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03-05-2019 19:20
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You know you love your wife if you've ever written a hush money check to a porn star on Valentine's day.
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03-05-2019 15:21
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Every time I see one those signs handing on a telephone pole saying "Work From Home! Make Great Money! It's Easy! Call 1800 yada yada yada I can't help but think, if it's so easy why's someone out there working so hard hanging signs?
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03-05-2019 14:19
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I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.
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03-05-2019 11:01
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Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
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03-05-2019 03:00
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Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.
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03-04-2019 18:38
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Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.
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03-04-2019 18:05
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Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

"No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.
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03-04-2019 09:16 by Moon
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I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
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03-04-2019 08:23
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I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."
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03-03-2019 20:52
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Me: I wish for my dog to live as long as me! Genie: Your wish is granted. You will now die in ten years. Me: Awesome! Way better than what I originally meant.
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03-03-2019 15:01
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When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.
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03-03-2019 11:59
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Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.
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03-03-2019 10:49
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I went on a cycling holiday last year, and it was exhausting! If I do it again I think I'm going for a smaller caravan!
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03-02-2019 10:00 by Truman
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My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...
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03-02-2019 08:56 by Gabe
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