Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.

   The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on

   Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!

   In these days of technological advancement, it’s advisable to record all arguments with a woman so you can at a later date prove who said what. Women are very good at denying what they said.

   Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.

   Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.

   Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   children today have no idea what a game-changer smart phones and internet are. When I was a kid it was almost impossible to find nude photos of the First Lady.

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”

   Someone asked me why I hold so much anger in my heart. I said it's because I am running out of places to keep it.

   Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

   100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell

   Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...

   Whomever has my Voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks....I'm in public!

   Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!

   The reason Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup are so popular is because they are the same basic ingredients as Pizza.

   What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.