Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I order all my food with extra gluten.

   Bad News, Punxsutawney Phil just predicted 6 more seasons of "Desparate Housewives"."

   The groundhog saw his shadow. And then he outran six employees from Golden Corral.

   f I owned a horse I'd name it before riding through a desert.

   So what’s the protocol if my annual prostate exam falls on February 14? Do I take flowers with me for the doctor or what?

   Here in DC Metro, no one really cares about Groundhog Day. We’ve got rats bigger than that.

   I saw my shadow this morning. It looks like it will be six more weeks of dieting.

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day?

   COFFEE: The original first responder.

   s a there a tax I can pay to end Covid-19 or does that only work with Climate Change?

   So if the groundhog is too fat to see his shadow, do we get six weeks of jelly doughnuts?

   Tom Brady's retiring, again.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Hippity hoppity your kneecaps are now my property 😃

   Question.. If you hit a person with an EV will you be charged for battery?

   Ok Jack Frost! You need to quit playing freeze tag with Elsa and Subzero from Mortal Kombat. Because you all keep missing each other, and it is starting to affect the rest of us.

   It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.

   Cleaning

   Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

   MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME