Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: If you drink enough beer, your Tinder date starts to look like their profile picture.

   Stop calling yourself hot; the only thing you turn on is the microwave.

   If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.

   What’s up cake? Muffin much.

   Broken pencils are pointless.

   At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.

   The first five days after the weekend are always hard.

   You didn’t notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   Who knew Top Secret docs make excellent shop towels?

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.....The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.... Feeling better today