Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you like somebody but they want to fix you up with their friend. That's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   It's so adorable how badgers and foxes take little naps at the side of the road all the time!

   Build the swamp! Drain her up! Lock the wall!

   I need a meeting with Zuckerberg cause I don't get enough "likes"

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling

   When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

   A pregnant lady, except it's me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   transparent- noun, when your child is transgender, you are their transparent

   Class? Hardcore girl-on-girl porn is considered class? The human race is fcked up. Please kill us all now, God.

   Land of the free, home of the Whopper.

   The 400 lb man, who demanded flight attendants to wipe his butt has died. Good riddance.

   Folks, there's zero % chance a candidate will pay off your student loans if elected. They're just pandering for all those votes...

   Happy earth day, earth. Sorry we're destroying your ass.

   I decided to start working out today. Practicing my jabs, hooks, and uppercuts for the day after Easter candy clearance sale!!

   Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

   We were so poor, that when I was a baby I instead of wearing diapers, my parents paper trained me.

   Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small, and some are fake.

   idiot at the gym today.. He had a bottle of water in the Pringles can holder on the treadmill.. Freaking loser.

   I used to work at a bakery. It was a crumby job, but I made a lot of dough.