Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why but I always end up making just a little bit too much spaghetti for myself to eat. Anyways, if anyone's hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   Casinos,steaks,universities,a brand of Vodka and now our country. Open your eyes people.

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.

   Some people would rather stay ignorant and self-satisfied.

   Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time. Can someone please explain why we let THAT happen?

   What do you call an Indian with no money? Brokeahontas.

   A belt may hold up your pants but belt loops hold up the belt, so who's the real hero??

   My fly's been down all day ... so I left some feces particles on the toilet seat to try to cheer him up.

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

   If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible

   IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?

   Just now at McDonalds: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap. That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up!

   Kids in middle school showing off their double jointed appendages is the original weird flex

   Typing the word "skepticism" is like playing Pong with your keyboard

   Guns are not the problem. It's the people who are pulling the trigger. Taking guns away will not stop people from killing other people.

   Able to lose $250 Million dollars in a single year. It's a bird, no, it's a plane, no, it's Donald Trump!

   As a child I learned to play piano by ear. As a teenager I learned to fiddle with my pen1$.