Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   How can you fill up a room with people without putting a single person in it? .......

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

   Chicken Pot Pie: my 3 favorite things.

   Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.

   Altzheimer's Centre prepares for a party to remember!

   The only good thing about inflation. It allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without having to move.

   There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.

   "Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 77 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

   I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.

   My wife and I have doggie style sex. I sit up and beg for it. And she rolls over and plays dead.

   I'm far from distancing my self from anything.

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   BOSS: I don't consider myself wastefull *** BOSS 5 minutes later: prints a 137 page report because he needs the last two pages

   I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead