Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a child I learned to play piano by ear. As a teenager I learned to fiddle with my pen1$.

   What happens if you donate hair to a cancer survivor and they commit a crime and leave a sample of your hair at the scene??

   I may be broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of meth addicts; BUT I'm better off than the armless guy watching porn.

   Wonder if the Kentuky error was made while he was eating some chicken from a bucket of Kentucky chicken.

   Harry and Meghan have started an online poll to allow the British public to suggest the name of the new royal infant. The current front-runner is Princey McPrinceFace.

   Just finest remolding my bathroom and just want thank you all for all the selfies and great remolding idea's!

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!

   Happy Revenge of the Sixth, everyone!

   I was cleaning out my pantry and found some tang. Unfortunately, it's the kind you drink...

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some.

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey! That's my stuff!"?

   I wish life was like a hockey game. I'd gladly spend five minutes in the penalty box for beating the snot out of someone who pissed me off.

   There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it with people's jokes and is about to go postal.

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so that I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you stupid piece of crap!"

   If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.