Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm afraid to fly"...flies all over the world and racks up a ton of frequent flier miles lol

   I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde in my basement.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   No one has a good time with you unless you pay them. And yes, they were laughing at you.

   Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?

   My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   If taking cat naps at work as often as I do had anything to do with it, then I'm pretty sure I can sleep my way to the top.

   At the job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job. I said, "Well, the boss asked if he could see me in his office." I said, "Only if he got fired or was transferred."

   If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I took my dog for a bike ride today . . . it's a two-seater and he pedaled as well as I did.

   Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally.

   Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.

   Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!