Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Consciousness is the nightmare before sleep.

   before you know it, Amazon workers will be making Prime money

   Good day to be an uneducated Amazon worker!

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Guys, prove you're not a rapist by giving large sums of money to random women!

   Truth doesn’t matter when you just vote for your team regardless of their integrity.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that you, read my jokes, like, William Shatner!

   Its a little frustrating how my speakerphone literally types everything I say exclamation mark

   "Damn, this is going to get ugly" I thought, as my wife removed her makeup!

   A-ah Mario, I have-a de large a-brain!

   People are strange? Last night the bloke in the next toilet stall to me started playing with himself? It put me right off my sandwich!

   I think my car needs wheel alignment because it’s keeps going towards the liquor store

   You know you're really not liked at your job, when they relocate and don't tell you where.

   Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean..... Against the walls, tables, chairs ect ect

   In 5 years there will be no such thing as a baby gender - scan? You'll have to wait until it's 10 years old for it to tell you if it's a boy or a girl!

   Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

   Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.

   Sept.29 Nickelodeon (kids tv channel) world wide day of play. Turn the kids TV off and send them outside to play.

   I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!

   Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.