Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HIS VALENTINES ... For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken

   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

   Cocaine Bear seems kind of unbelievable. A bear that snorts coke would be a lot skinnier.

   Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

   I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

   Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

   If you’re reading this & I’m married to you… I’m locked out. Come let me in.

   So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

   I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into Brandon voters

   Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

   Wondering how can I get my wife the perfect Valentines gift when she already has me.

   I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

   Let's face it, your life's probably not all that exciting if you're looking at your phone all the time updating how exciting it is.

   I watched Biden's SOTU speech at the community clinic in Spanish and it still sucked.....

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   Misery

   Why didn’t we use the Seattle Space Needle to take down the Chinese balloon?

   I'm so country I dim my headlights for on coming street lights.

   Pop two more balloons and we win a stuffed animal... Which ironically, is also made in China...

   Marriage tip 101: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."