Funny Status Messages

   *Eating my third bowl of ice cream* I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

   I just observed a sign that said "How do nudists clean their glasses?" so there's that question to keep you up at night.

   I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

   For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

   I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia? She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you ... ”.

   If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds...how did cockroaches get their name?

   Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

   I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

   Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

   Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory No weirdos

   The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

   ‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock

   me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out

   I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

   Someone greased my downward spiral.

   Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

   My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me. If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

   With all the technology today, how is it possible that the "mullets make you look like a total tool" message has not made it to all people?

   I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

   I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.