Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry. Me: No, two of those are clean.

   Me and the person reading this have decided to quit alcohol.

   Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?

   [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

   At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

   Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

   Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

   there’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? trash. there is a lot of trash in the sea.

   Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

   “Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

   I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

   Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

   Batman: fighting crime is easy Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t Batman: not now Robin

   I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

   Women aren’t hard to read For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your sh*t out You’re done bro

   me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

   hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

   When I was a kid, staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.

   Go jump in a lake! No I mean like literally, it's good to do on hot days like this.

   I just want to be as happy as most people pretend to be on Facebook.