Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are on facebook just delete your account and see who calls.

   have you noticed ..not a single girl used face app

   If you puncture a hole in a garbage bag in order to roll down your window, you might be a redneck

   When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.

   Lower my gluten intake the doctor said. Over my bread body!

   Just a motivational facebook post to myself to help me be more productive today - Log Out.

   Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.

   Why storm Area 51 at all? Just dress up like an ailen and wander around outside the fence. They'll catch you and take you inside.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you read online is anyone could have brought them. Thomas Edison,

   I collect memes like kids collect Pokemon cards. any good memes you want to trade?

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, so who the hell are you?

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win

   Shout out to the guy in the Beamer who gave me the finger for honking and waving at him. Your cell phone is on the roof of your car!

   The secret to contentment: my unmatched socks don't care into what dimension their partners were sent by the dryer. They just wish them well.

   Bernie Sanders is finally going to pay his staff the $15 minimum wage he advocates for. But he's going to reduce their hours. He has proven the point that increasing the minimum wage to $15 will cost people hours and jobs.

   I'm happy to say that my life is now plastic free! except for a few Tupperware containers and my Facebook account.

   Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

   Area 51 is where they keep the working McDonalds iced cream machine.

   Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.