SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

   Bullsh!t, cheaters ALWAYS win. That's the point of cheating. If you cheated and didn't win, no one would ever cheat.

   I'm going to be staining the fence in our backyard today because that's what you do on vacation when you're awesome.

   Sarah Palin: "A presidenty run would halter my abilitation to share common-sense smartitudes in a time of economical fizzle splatz."

   Whenever a women's magazine has a "Sex Tips to Drive Him Wild!" article, it always just says "Put your finger up his butt."

   That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.

   I just drank 3 cups of coffee with 2 Ambien. Now I am tired of being awake.

   So, we are allowed to pee in our own showers, just not other people's showers. Check. My neighbor is never looking at me the same, is he?

   I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   Whenever I'm driving and I see a baby stroller in someones trash I always think. Oh boy... someone f***ed up.

   It's like, okay, we get it, I'm a terrible driver and I almost murdered you with my car. Can I go get ice cream now?