Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I like woman who are mentally stable and sexually unstable.

   Hey, how about making a normal face when you sing?

   It's not cheating if she's there too.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   I miss the 80s when everyone wasn't such an oversensitive online twat!

   What doesn't kill me just makes me want to kill someone else.

   She said, "I finally got my period." and all I heard was, "You get to keep your paychecks."

   How is everyone holding up? It's been a crazy night! I have just beheaded 30 zombies. But why the hell are they all carrying candy?!?

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

   Women don't fart until they get married... that's when they get an a$$hole.

   Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   Just saw a homeless man with a blue tooth. It was his only tooth.

   If she really loves her cat, then that's who's making the most important decisions in her life.

   Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   If she's dead on the inside does it still count as necrophilia?