Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

   It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

   Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

   It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

   When the new girl wants to spend the night; “the couch pulls out, but I don’t.”

   Be willing to walk alone. Many who started with you, won’t finish with you.

   If swimming is good exercise, then explain whales.

   I’m not the bigger person, better leave me alone.

   Biden: No more gas stoves!

   The best thing about a woman on the Right, no ding-dong.

   Activate Flying Monkeys!

   Suddenly, California has too much water! Let’s play a game called, simmer-sin-sink-or-swim.

   Who let: da dog out

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)