Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   contributing to global warming by breathing as he rides his bike to school...some conservationist!

   calculating pi but can't seem to make it past sugar cream

   wonders how skinny he would be if he had to pedal to keep the computer on.

   running with scissors and playing with matches...

   increasing his carbon footprint so that it is visible from space.

   Sometimes I go down to the Home Depot and pick up day laborers in my truck just to have people to drink with. Hop in, amigos. It's Miller time.

   As I'm getting older I've noticed my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used

   guesses Chris Brown sure taught Rihanna how to breathe with "no air"

   has secretly replaced the Parmesan cheese shaker with a used Pedi-Egg. Will her guests be able to tell the difference?

   stuck in the moment and he can't get out of it...

   wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac!

   calculating the square root of tomorrow

   not gaining weight, he's retaining food!

   went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

   a date with 2 Girls from 1 Cup

   When I was a kid I used to trick the tooth fairy with kidney stones

   Something you never hear in the news: "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

   Shouldn't the fortune in every fortune cookie be "You are about to eat a stale cookie?"

   going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.

   When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.