Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking God must love stupid people...he made so many!

   Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

   someone needs to tell PETA that the White House is a "NO FLY ZONE".

   thought john and kate plus eight was a porno.

   Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

   going to wear underwear on the outside of his clothes tomorrow to see if people assume he's crazy, or a superhero.

   Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an idiot

   When it comes to driving, anybody going slower than me is an idiot, and anyone going faster than me is a maniac.

   you`ll notice after reading this notice, that this notice isn`t worth noticing

   wonders why, if vegetarian food tastes so good, do they keep eating Turkey-flavored this, Sausage-like that, and Meat-like Balls Marinara?

   No trees were harmed in the posting of this Facebook status, but several million electrons were mildly inconvenienced.

   thinking if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   figured out a way to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed my wife a shovel

   wondering, if you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   has a 'get-rich-slow' scheme... and it's working perfectly!

   Sometimes I wonder what became of the imaginary friend I had as a kid... Did he go to imaginary college? Is he married to an imaginary woman or have imaginary kids? I should google his punk ass...

   say Jesus loves you... He only likes me as a friend, though.

   suffers from compulsive-indecisive disorder. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

   browsing my facebook friends naked.

   says it's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom....