Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid, staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.

   Go jump in a lake! No I mean like literally, it's good to do on hot days like this.

   I just want to be as happy as most people pretend to be on Facebook.

   We don't want affordable health care! We demand tax cuts for billionaires!

   Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

   Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam. Siri: Step over the dog.

   Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

   therapist: you suffer from social isolation me: oh no therapist: you just need to talk to people me: OH NO

   Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.

   Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

   Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

   Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not

   shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

   I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.

   "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints

   shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

   Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

   The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c

   Peter Fonda died. Let me guess, Hilary killed her too?

   you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room