Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

   “Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

   I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

   Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

   Batman: fighting crime is easy Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t Batman: not now Robin

   I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

   Women aren’t hard to read For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your sh*t out You’re done bro

   me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

   hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

   When I was a kid, staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.

   Go jump in a lake! No I mean like literally, it's good to do on hot days like this.

   I just want to be as happy as most people pretend to be on Facebook.

   We don't want affordable health care! We demand tax cuts for billionaires!

   Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

   Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam. Siri: Step over the dog.

   Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

   therapist: you suffer from social isolation me: oh no therapist: you just need to talk to people me: OH NO

   Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.

   Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

   Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.