Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever discovered DNA, I hate that person so much. We can't even get away with crimes these days. This sucks ass!

   Panzerband. Duct Tape. Klebebänder. Papierklebeband. Alle Sorten. Malerkrepp. Malerfolie. Doppelklebeband. Teppichband. Schaumklebeband. Alu-Band, Alu-Klebeband. Werkzeug. Hochwertige Waren vom Produzent. Fabrikverkauf. Versand am gleichen Tag

   Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light. He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

   I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

   I want to win a fake award like "Michigan's man of the year" too.

   Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

   Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry. Me: No, two of those are clean.

   Me and the person reading this have decided to quit alcohol.

   Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?

   [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

   At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

   Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

   Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

   there’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? trash. there is a lot of trash in the sea.

   Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

   “Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

   I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

   Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

   Batman: fighting crime is easy Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t Batman: not now Robin

   I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.