Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.

   If your ever feeling unloved and unwanted where no one calls or text you anymore, let me give you a word of advice I gave to a friend that instantly fixed her problem, which is check to make sure your phone isn't in airplane mode.

   Some days I think I'm slightly intelligent, other days I try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen

   Everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while.

   I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.

   I put the cute in electrocute.

   Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

   Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.

   I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this lady if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

   choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so I don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life

   Relationship advice: Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

   bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't pay this months rent anymore

   RAPUNZEL: oh no I'm out of hair JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

   Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business? Me: Oh no! Wife: What? Me: Bankruptsea!

   Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

   Bringing blacks into this country was the worst thing to ever happen here.

   Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my wife the silent treatment and I didn't want her to bless me.

   When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.

   [teaching teen to drive] Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie. Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat? Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

   ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES: