Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 05:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 05:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress. Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
←Rate | 08-19-2019 05:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven't. it's destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends. me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity o
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: [hitting the space bar] hot alien: hey
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We never dreamed that one day we'd sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon the four elements are: • earth • fire • air • water • surprise
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cop: have you been drinking? Stork: no Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg Stork: you have no idea who you're dealing with
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey! Remember how fat your arms are? -Summer
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me bartender: no me: ... excuse me? bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 04:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Melania's first English words were "You like? You like?" While giving a guy a lap dance.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 01:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever discovered DNA, I hate that person so much. We can't even get away with crimes these days. This sucks ass!
←Rate | 08-19-2019 01:37 by CriminalWannabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Panzerband. Duct Tape. Klebebänder. Papierklebeband. Alle Sorten. Malerkrepp. Malerfolie. Doppelklebeband. Teppichband. Schaumklebeband. Alu-Band, Alu-Klebeband. Werkzeug. Hochwertige Waren vom Produzent. Fabrikverkauf. Versand am gleichen Tag
←Rate | 08-19-2019 00:28 by Schulz Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light. He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
←Rate | 08-18-2019 16:51 Comments (0)  




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