Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.

   I had fifty bucks tattooed on my "member". So the next time my wife wants to go out and blow fifty bucks, she can stay home and do it.

   I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel .

   In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!!

   A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

   wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: I'm gonna try to become left handed

   Successfully "lands" a water bottle flip 3 out of 5 attempts. 0-998 in making his socks to the dirty clothes basket.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Madonna would adopt me!

   Do people still say Okie Dokie or is it just me?? 🤔🤔🤔

   The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.

   Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.

   I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.

   5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

   You buy ready made chocolate milk? Well, aren't you just some kind of titan of finance?

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   I'm throwing in the white flag, I can't take anymore of this "winning".

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...