Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:

   My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.

   You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her

   To make a long story short, just walk away once you're bored.

   I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

   When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.

   Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress. Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

   friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven't. it's destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends. me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity o

   me: [hitting the space bar] hot alien: hey

   We never dreamed that one day we'd sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   the four elements are: • earth • fire • air • water • surprise

   Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

   If it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

   Cop: have you been drinking? Stork: no Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg Stork: you have no idea who you're dealing with

   Hey! Remember how fat your arms are? -Summer

   me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me bartender: no me: ... excuse me? bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

   My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

   I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.