Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   Huh... I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

   I might be a 42 year old woman but I identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.

   I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive Her: Have you tried dog pounds? Me: Yeah, but apparently it's 'not a real currency'

   My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation. I think about this often.

   My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded,

   Me: What do you want to do tonight? Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and — Me: *already asleep*

   [at the mall with my husband] Me singing softly: She's just a girl and she's on fire.. Hubby: *shoots dirty look* Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she's got her head in the clouds and- Hubby: Shhh! Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

   The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald's eating hotcakes and sausage.

   Denmark says they're going to loan Greenland to Canada just to mess with and piss off Trump.

   If you see me talking to myself just ignore it. I'm self employed and we're having a staff meeting...

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   just found out the guy I'm dating is married. wild. I always just thought he was doing a bad borat impression.

   One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

   My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT.

   I can't wait for Kim Kardashian to get old

   Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.

   A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.

   If your ever feeling unloved and unwanted where no one calls or text you anymore, let me give you a word of advice I gave to a friend that instantly fixed her problem, which is check to make sure your phone isn't in airplane mode.

   Some days I think I'm slightly intelligent, other days I try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen