Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   I'm ready for summer!

   Its beginning to look a lot like, I'm starting to get sick and tiered of it being cold and miserable out and I'm ready for summer!

   Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   "This wall thing.... It's like a manhood thing with him.... as if manhood can be associated with him." Nancy Pelosi

   Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.

   My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?

   Somebody told me I should join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2019. I said, naw. That's for quitters

   Gas is $2.20 I dont know when the last time I pumped gas with no hands

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   Ladies, stop waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

   I believe in Santa! but I'm not so sure if he believes in me?

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   I have a moral compass, but it always seems to point south.

   Alexa, clean up my act!

   My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!

   Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.

   Kevin McCallister's parents has to be the most dimwitted parents ever not to realize that Buzz is the cause of their family's problems.

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   So how did Amish.com happen?